Passion; it is an appropriate Christian Response?

When we think of passion we think about people who are driven to succeed don't we? We hear others say, "You need to be passionate about winning souls for Christ". Sometimes people point to evidence of being "called" into ministry is a passionate desire to reach the lost. Passion seems to be important. Some people have passion in their jobs. They seek to bring in more sales than the month before. Some people are so driven to reach the top others might call them passionate in their pursuit of what they want to achieve. We might give a good argument that high achievers are passionate people. But the type of passion I want to explore is as it relates to relationships we have with people. I think it is good to be passionate and have passion. But I think it depends on the object of that passion. I see passion quickly moving into idolatry. Our passion for something can overwhelm our primary desire to glorify Christ. It becomes all that we think of. We have to be careful. Our passion can cloud good judgement because we cannot hear or see anything contrary to our own view. My mother is a passionate person. But she cannot hear any opposing view but her own. It is important to think soberly and consider carefully any decision we make. Paul mentions this continuously to the church in his letter to reason carefully. For instance he says to watch diligently our doctrine so that we might not fall into diverse sin. Keep watch he says. Christ says much of the same as well. He stated to his disciples to keep watch because the spirit is willing but the body is weak. Also we read that the devil goes around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. He is more than happy to pounce on someone who is not looking for him and is lulled asleep by relying on his own wisdom instead of depending on our Father's protective wing around him. So passion is a touchy thing and we must master our desires and not let them run away from us. Now as it pertains to relationships their is an extra guard here. Paul talks about relationships between men and women and says to the man to consider young women as sisters with absolute purity. Why? Because passion a man can have for a woman leads to the opposite of purity. It leads to sin in our minds then in our actions. We must honor the Lord by restraining passionate feelings towards the opposite sex. Colossians 3:5 in the ESV Paul states that passion must be put to death. Passion is not in keeping with God's holiness but is sinful in the eyes of God. I heard it said once that one prerequisite for marriage is that the two people must have passion for one another. I used to agree. I don't any longer. Passion seems to apply to a lack of self-control and the scripture is abundantly clear that this is wrong. Instead Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7 these words, "But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well." Against passion Paul says, "But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." This is a concession that Paul makes. Passion is not a good thing. I have a son who may one day make a decision to marry. It may not be an impulse or a passion that drives him to it but because he has decided that she is good for him. For him it very much may be simply a realization that a friend he likes to spend time with is someone he cannot ever imagine not spending time with. He is a very level headed young man who is not given to any passion. He cool, calm and somewhat separated from things that other people get overly passionate or concerned and worry about. He just is not phased by things. I can imagine that perhaps he might marry to assure that she will remain his companion and friend for the rest of his life. This is no less romantic than two people who have become so madly in love that they need to get married or else they will slip into sin. We smile at this kind of love verses the steady, dedicated companionship attachment determined from a clear head and sober understanding of his or her needs as people. As I write these words my eyes tear up at the first case rather than the second. Our love for our partners should be based on sober reality rather than passionate fantasy. I say this because the passion will die down. What is left better be something built on lasting, firm ground as in a deep friendship else trouble lies ahead. -Joe

Courtship vs. Dating

What is the difference between courting and dating? Before I answer this question there are at least three ways one can look at the issue of man meets woman. The first is simply you are not serious about finding a soulmate but want to enjoy a relationship without any attachments. This is the dating relationship. Here a person doesn't want to grow up. They still want to play. They often times view marriage negatively because it is represented as an ending of the "fun time" to settling down to boredom. Therefore, I believe that dating is never appropriate for a Christian. This mindset is unbiblical and relationally it is inappropriate to view the dating partner in this way. For it cheapens that partner and quite realistically harms them for when they do meet their marriage partner. For biblically we are made for one man and one woman where God's desire is for godly seed to be borne. They are meant for each other exclusively. The dating relationship has no regard for this for it is purely selfish. As there is no commitment the question is always, "what can I get out of her?" I alluded to the second form of relationship. You are not interested in dating, instead you are seeking a person you can commit to. You are looking for a marriageable partner. Your goals are to find the one God has for you. Therefore you seek and you find her. But as you become involved with her physically, a superman complex takes over and you find yourself in compromising situations. But you think you can handle them. These are the things you say to yourself. As a result of this "superman complex" you do not seek counsel and you refuse good advice if it causes you to put parameters around the relationship. Instead you gather around yourself people who will encourage you and approve or otherwise confirm that you are doing right. You trust your own instincts. Now before I get into the third option, which is the courtship approach,I want to show why both of these first two are unbiblical and inappropriate for the Christian. The simple difference, from my experience, is that either of these approaches breed independence in deciding for oneself who is best suited for me. Or, in the case of dating, the dating partner is objectified in totality. But still it is my decision and I have no need to seek approval or advice since this is my business as it pertains to my personal life. This stands completely opposed to courtship and, in particular, Christian courtship. Why? What makes courtship different from these other two options? That is a very good question. As the other two approaches rely on one's own abilities to make life's most important decisions (and that usually at such a young, immature age), the courtship option the young person has a far more mature outlook. He or she is not so naive to think that they can make a mature, right decision. They understand the gravity of their sinfulness and the natural processes that wage a battle with our minds to desire to impatiently act selfishly instead of waiting on God and finding satisfaction in Him until the right time. The courtship option covets parental accountability or if the parent is not there, a godly guardian who receives full trust and honor that their counsel will be adhered to even when it is difficult. Courtship is all about accountability. The relationship is marked by parameters and rules are set up, in love, in order that they will maintain their honor and integrity in case the relationship is broken off. There is no unbounded physical freedom that each have with one another. They do not trust themselves, for they understand that the flesh will desire more until it overrules the mind. This is to be protected against at every point in the courtship. Each one is looking to the good of the other and not trying to satisfy what they want. They view each other as persons and do not look at one another as simply objects to explore and plunder. Now a young man and woman, who find interest in each other, ought to look at their relationship as a final stop to marriage in the first place. Therefore, the second option is good as far as that point goes. But the focus must shift to a healthy fear that they, at any time, could blow it all up. We are human and should not, at any time, think that interaction between one another is "in the bag" and can be handled apart from counsel and relational accountability; for this is not using wisdom. It will become inevitable, for it is natural and of God when the love for one another leads to a desire to wish to be with each other every moment of every day, that compromising situations crop up tempting us and teaching us that we can handle it on our own. But passions will begin to overrule our minds and will lead us into forbidden lands. We must not place ourselves anywhere near that place where we begin to draw conclusions and justifications that speak of being able to handle the intimacy we have allowed ourselves to enjoy; we must not listen to these lies. A young man thinks he needs no one to tell him how to manage his relationship with the woman he loves. It is natural and God's will that he should leave his parents home and cleave to his wife making a home with her. But there is order in this. There are rules to heed. How ironic it is that we can say we will follow our Lord yet refuse counsel of those who know better the rules of relationships. Yet young people want no rules during their courtship (for they refuse to hear good advice) yet they push their relationships physically to the point where they come up against the very walls of disobedience and sin, to God's decrees and laws, and think that they are still on safe ground. But when they, in their passion, loose their minds and climb over the wall and sin against God, how can anyone think that they will heed any rule or parameter of God when they failed to practice obedience in heeding counsel from godly people who warned them before all this trouble started? No, they will continue to resist rules and parameters even though they come from God's prophets (people) who speak the very words of Christ to them. They refuse to listen to them so how do they think that they will hear God's voice in any other way? Do they look for an audible voice? Or is God's voice that which confirms their own wants and desires? These are very real questions that a young man must answer honestly setting his desires aside. But they must not throw reason aside. Love must not be awakened until the proper time as the Song of Solomon reiterates on several occasions. Any godly relationship with one another needs rules and parameters that steer so far clear of that Great Wall that one can still hear God's voice through his prophets and can make right judgements that are not influenced by his passion for the one he loves. I am reading a book presently by Gene Edward Veith,Jr. In it he talks about how four factors play a key part in destroying the aesthetic element of any work of art. They are these: Obscenity, Pornography, Vulgarity, and Profanity. Each of these, in their own way, removes the aesthetic mode out of such things as play and movies. We know what he means. For who cannot agree that just as we begin to get "into" a movie or a book it gets interrupted by some illicit scene that has no bearing whatsoever with the story? In other words, take it or leave it the interruption brings an unnecessary and unwarranted break to the story. So as the reader or moviegoer begins to be caught up in the aesthetic element of the plot (the beauty and creative element), the author or director changes the mood suddenly to arouse the audience in a different way. This serves to distract from the storyline and causes the audience to lose interest. The author or director then switches back to the storyline as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. A relationship likewise ought to be on guard against such interruptions. For the aesthetic element in any relationship, between man and woman, is the love and respect, purity, honor and selflessness present in it. But the obscene and profane are those elements that serve as the unnecessary interruptions to the edification and strengthening of it. They are introduced only to get a person to lower their guard and become impatient and intolerant with the holy and pure; the aesthetic creativity. To accept the profane is easier than cultivating beauty in a work of art. For settling for the profane takes no skill but is what is natural to us. But insisting on creating a work of art requires great skill and perseverance. It requires hard work when the temptation is always to settle for the easiest pathway. Please feel free to comment and/or add some other observations to what I have written. -Joe

Abuse of Courtship

As I have done research in my Bible over the topic of courtship I have found, in my experience, that the father is often times so zealous in protecting his daughter, he goes beyond the call of duty. Patriarchy can be a wonderful example of God the Father loving the Son. But too often it is dad going through a power trip and everyone hating him for it. Patriarchy, as we read about it through the example of Jesus Christ, shows a loving Son willingly and actively serving his Father because he trusts and respects him. The Son knows that the Father loves him. The Son knows that all the rules established by the Father have been produced out of love and kindness, compassion and truth. It was the mission of the Son to represent the Father to his creatures and show them how to share in his love for the Father. As David has said on numerous occasions and in differing way throughout the Psalms, "All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies". In the 23 Psalm he states, "your rod and your staff, they comfort me" and elsewhere he says, "Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who greatly delights in his commandments!" Psalm 119 is a psalm about how the law and statues of God bring light and life. In it we read how the Word of God is trustworthy and steers us away from evil. These are the things that bring joy and this was Jesus' mission while on earth. It is a beautiful thing when an earthy father can reflect his heavenly Father in communicating his love towards his daughter in serving her by example. Therefore, courtship, between a daughter and a prospective suitor, is not exclusively about control. It is building trust in that both come to respect and love the guides set down by the bride's father. Not because he is interested in keeping them apart but that he is interested in preserving their love for each other. He uses wisdom and serves as their counsellor; and because of his love, which is visible and obvious, they want to heed it. The daughter loves her father and respects him. She hears the love and concern in his voice and sees him as a good example by which it is no shame or embarrassment to emulate. The guides and rules are not meant to "spoil their fun" but to preserve them until they can, at last, enjoy each other to the fullest. The father is himself undergoing a process of transferring his God-ordained protection of his daughter to that of a young man who will take over this job and protect his new wife. It is in his best interest, and in the interest of all involved, that this young man be adequately prepared for such a task and not be frivolous or careless in the seriousness of this enterprise. He must be quite sure that she is a suitable helpmate for the goals and aspirations God is directing him towards and of which she will share. Will she be provided for, protected emotionally, mentally and physically. Does he love and respect her? It is not about control. It is the father's responsibility to seek the face of God for wisdom and understanding as he gently guides his daughter to a happy beginning. He must instruct the young man of his responsibilities, according to biblical principles, and hold him accountable. He must always point him to Jesus Christ as his example of perseverance and patience so that he might be encouraged and strengthened as the time draws near where he might have and hold the one the father had the privilege of preparing for such a time as this. I will one day put the hand of a young man into the hand of my daughter and my job of protection will be his. It will be bittersweet at first. It will bring great joy, but also a deep wound. My daughter will be grown and no longer a little girl. Her home will no longer be with me but with her husband. It is a great responsibility and a great burden a father truly has. But it is one with very great rewards as well. -Joe

Courtship #3

This is my final installment on courtship and will continue the thoughts on purity I ended the last post on courtship with:

Purity is the name of the game here and the best way for a young man and woman to remain absolutely pure in the biblical sense is to involve one's godly parents in the process. Now of course it really is essential to have developed a sense of total trust in one's parents; their views, wisdom and understanding particularly on this topic of marriage - for that is what courtship really is all about - marriage. If a young Christian lady does not have Christian parents who agree with biblical patterns for marriage then she should find a godly couple who could stand in and have her be accountable to them - and that she would hold fast to their counsel. A young man is to follow the biblical principles outlined in scripture and keep far from the edge of what is appropriate when dealing with the woman he is considering for marriage. This means any type of emotional romantic attachment is not advisable. The connection that is desired is deeper; it is a kind of intellectual companionship where many kinds of opinions can be discussed leading to deeper connections essential for a lasting relationship. For many things can be learned about one another by how they relate to others in group situations. In fact group events can be best in getting to know the other on a deeper level - "what does she like to do?" "What kinds of things interest him?" A group setting can be a non-threatening venue for finding out many things that normally a young man or young lady would not ask without the other being cued in that the other maybe infatuated with them. Being interested is not a question of infatuation - if it is a question of genuine interest in what he sees in a young lady. Because if the young man has any maturity at all he is not so naive to be thinking primarily of self-gratification but of his future - and hers. His questions are more than merely, "I like to get to know her better" (thinking in terms of the physical), or "She is a knockout!" He has the ability to look deeper than what he sees on the surface. He is looking for cues that suggest whether the character of the young lady he is interested in would be compatible with who he is as a person. Maturity also suggests that the young man knows in fact who he is. Many do not know who they truly are on the inside simply because they merely live on the surface level - there really is nothing deep because they have gotten in the habit of merely existing from one moment to the other; from one impulse to the next. See, courtship is a serious thing indeed! Dating, by definition, suggests something not so serious - Christian or not. But who can afford not to be serious? Who can afford to draw near to the edge of what is not permissible; what is not right biblically when one's future hangs in the balance? Or even breathe the suggestion that "I'm not going to marry the girl" anyways! Then why are you with her if you will not consider marriage to her? I have heard it once said by a young man that he was interested in a young lady but acknowledged her to be inferior to the ideal he had in his mind for a mate. I questioned his motives and pointed to his ideal as attainable and not to "settle for second best". This is typical behavior of those in the dating scene. No one is thinking about marriage necessarily but there is a misplaced need that only God is able to fulfill if we only learn to trust him. Our companionship needs must be met by God. Only then will we consider a mate in terms other than "how he or she makes me feel". It is not a "feeling" matter. It is of absolute essential matter that we have the full use of our brains! Don't settle for second best.

-Joe

Courtship #2

This post on courtship will be a compare/contrast exercise with dating, Christian or otherwise. The point in the end is to demonstrate that Christians have been caught up (duped) into accepting the world's practices on even how we (as male and female) interact with one another.

If the biblical precedent is to treat unmarried women as sisters - with absolute purity; seriously, how can a young Christian man be faithful to that precedent when he does not have marriage in mind but instead only wants to "have fun" with innocent young women? The male of the world does not think of marriage when he is enjoying the dating scene. He has one thing usually on his mind regarding the opposite sex. The woman makes it easy for him when she consents to give him what he is looking for. At that point the challenge disappears and any thought towards committing himself to her is lost since the act of marriage has been haphazardly given. What has been done, in essence, is the act of marriage has been reduced to insignificance - it has been disrespected and disregarded as a unholy thing. But it is beautiful in the sight of God who gave it significance; who gave it as a means to demonstrate Christ's unconditional love for the Church. The act of marriage is a holy thing. It has been ordained by God under certain conditions. If these conditions are set aside then the same act is cheapened and rendered worthless and meaningless.

Courtship with a woman specifically communicates the man's intention to commit to marriage. But in reality, courtship is not the beginning. The beginning is the man's commitment to discover through inquiry more about the woman he wants to know better. He finds out information by observation, by actual communication with her, by interviewing her friends, acquaintances, relatives and mostly her parents and more specifically her father. If he likes what he sees - that is, that there could be a possibility of a good match for a marital situation and both he and her father have established a good relationship, he asks permission to court her from her father. There is with absolute clarity of both parties the understanding that the courtship process will cumulate in marriage.

The courtship process particularly benefits the emotional need of the woman because whether she admits to it or not there is something to be said for knowing that a young man is willing to commit with her. Courtship communicates a desire to commit. It communicates a desire to wait until the proper time for intimacy. If the young woman values commitment she will value the courtship process and embrace it. She will covet her parents constant involvement assuring its success.

It is harder for the man because it forces him to restrain himself emotionally. Worldly ("natural") men do not understand because they cannot see why what is natural should be restrained; it is not "normal" to hold back. When the urge is there, it is easy to release it and move on without a serious thought about what was just done to the woman. However, the woman is connected still through cords of emotional commitment, but not so with the man. He has gained what was an easy thing for him to give. But the woman has given her heart. In fact, anything that has a distinctively emotional composition will cause her to commit to him emotionally but not necessary him to her. So the things people do in dating that are emotional in nature - like being romantic, being physical with each other etc. connect her to him more than him to her naturally. These connections are meant for her husband only - not a person who has not expressed any form of real commitment to her. For her the connections are trust connections that she has no business giving to any man but her husband. But the man, by allowing these connections has, in essence, violated her emotionally. This is not being faithful to the biblical precedent I have stated above. Treating the young woman with absolute purity does not only mean physical purity, but emotional purity as well.

These, and many more reasons I will attend to in the next post on Courtship, are legitimate arguments not to think of dating as a good alternative to courtship. Dating (and so-called Christian dating) is a counterfeit to the Lord's intention of gently handling that young lady with absolute purity - not willing to violate her in any way whether you will some day marry her or your interest in her will end. Considering that one day the young lady you are interested in may be someone else's wife puts a sobering picture on the whole dating farce.

-Joe

Courtship

Benjamin has compelled me to argue for a traditional courtship model for marriage verses the cultural accepted practice of dating or dating with intent to marry (whatever that means!) He also insists that without biblical references then it is merely man's invention (as if dating is a better alternative!) But setting these types of arguments aside (since they really get us nowhere) the focus of this exercise is to explain (as simply as I can) what courtship is. It is not useful nor is it helpful for anyone, in comparing courtship to dating, to argue in circles what cannot unequivocally be argued from scripture. Some useful narratives found in scripture that I might send someone to make a careful study of would be the story of Ruth and Boaz. In this story we get to see how Boaz relates to Ruth when she is discovered lying down at the foot of the place he is sleeping. Read the dialogue and determine his behavior and attitude towards her for some insight. Did he treat her with dignity? Did he honor her and did he speak kindly towards her? Did he become passionately intimate with her before he married her? Did he take advantage of the present situation or did he act with integrity? The answers of stories such as this one give us much insight into how a young man ought to treat the one he intends to marry. If he does not intend to marry then he has no business "involving" himself with someone else's future wife. This is a principle of courtship - not dating. I will let this sink in for a time and expound further, on the same topic, with my next post. You may comment of course, but remember that the purpose of this post is to mainly explain the principles of courtship. In explaining it, it may become necessary to contrast it with dating as I know it to be. Lastly, the presupposition I will make throughout this exercise is that the two do stand in contrast to each other. Whether you disagree with my presupposition is your own business - just remember I know what I am talking about since I had girlfriends when I was a teenager. What I am teaching my kids stands in stark contrast to what I have known. Furthermore, it is a far superior model for protecting the heart while safeguarding against intimacy from going a muck.

-Joe